it’s been a year since i started writing to let my thoughts out of my own head. the year was 2020. covid had struck. death was all around. uncertainty was overwhelming, yet casually dismissed. the world was spinning off kilter but nobody wanted to believe that things would never be the same again.
yet something inside me told me this was the beginning of the end. the end of the world as we knew it. governments were at their wits end though they didn’t know it or want to admit it. corporations rolled with the punches and enabled work from home but big industries were wobbling around punch drunk.
shaken not stirred
things weren’t much different in my world. the crisis has brought me closer to family and yet taken away loved ones from me overnight. my businesses were suddenly nonexistent. technically handicapped, i hobbled around on crutches to nowhere in particular.
none of this bothered me much. in my 40 years on terra firma i’ve seen enough drama and trauma to think of rock-bottom as a vacation. having descended into the depths of the abyss instills a quiet and steely resilience that nothing in the surface world can rattle.
was i numb from the shock? not in the least. on the contrary, i was executing strategic moves that would resolve each of my problems and set me on a path towards a new tomorrow. effortlessly if i may add for i’m never more alive than when shit hits the fan! and yet instead of gleefully grinning from ear to ear like a predator at the sight of prey, i was growing aloof.
into the deep
there was a place beyond the lust for life and the peace of death. it wasn’t new. i’d been here before. but this time heroin hadn’t brought me here. yet here i was, lounging in limbo. nowhere to go. nothing to do. nobody to be. yet i felt like this is where i needed to be, what i needed to do and who i needed to be.
in the depths of this delirium, i danced with my thoughts swimming around me. letting them out every morning scribbling voraciously. i knew not what i wrote, yet every word felt like the loving embrace of a long lost friend. everything that sprung out was raw and raucous, yet pure and pristine.
back to the surface
i’d rejoiced in the depths with the magic that only isolation can weave but i wanted to surface and share what i’d found. as i climbed to the surface however, i found the joy slowly diminish. in the light of the day away from the blinding darkness, what i saw in my hands filled me with shame instead of joy.
those precious stones that glinted in the depths now seemed like any other piece of rock. i realised the world wants these stones polished and aimed to perfection, so they may marvel at it’s beauty. this was a process that needed skill, finesse and an understanding of how the masses wanted their wisdom served.
who da cap fit, let ‘em wear it
i’ve spent the good part of my time on the surface attempting to develop the skills needed to make fine jewellers to adorn you. meanwhile, i stopped going back into the depths. and my playtime with others on the surface was reduced to polishing the previously mined stones.
but i don’t want to struggle. i want to do what i do best. effortlessly. i want to dig into the depths and come back to the surface to celebrate. to share my joy of discovery. the stones aren’t precious. what’s precious is the spirit of enquiry, the joy of discovery and the sharing of it all with you.
some of us are miners, some are shiners. some can handle both with aplomb. well, i love to get down and dirty. and i don’t want to clean up. i don’t believe in creating value for you. i believe you deserve the opportunity to draw the value you desire from the rough. if i had a fully polished diamond, i’d throw it in the mud and watch you make a mess of yourself trying to find it… hehe 😜 well that’s me! more on that mischievous side another day.
fun not fear
playing in the mud is fun. digging in the dark is fun. searching in solitude is fun. so i’m going to continue mining because it’s fun. because it’s what i do best. what i can do effortlessly. every time i’m doing something, the fun quotient offers the feedback i need to decide, if it is indeed what i should be doing.
when i attempt to polish the stones i dig up, it’s more out of fear that people won’t understand it’s value if presented raw. and i don’t want to engage in an activity fuelled by fear. nor do i want to use desire as the fuel. desire to be understood. desire to be appreciated. desire to be exalted. all i want to do is play. and i’m ever so eager to share that spirit, that energy, that vibe.
i’m also aware that the value of the stones we seek is in the search for them. maybe you don’t want to dig into the earth and mine. maybe you prefer to polish them and make them shine ✨ if that’s your trip, i welcome you to play with my raw thoughts discovered in the depths of my consciousness. polish them and make pretty necklaces of them for others to wear and share.
never too late to create
everyone of us is a creator. an artist. take what you like and create something of it. make it your own. share it so others can do the same. don’t care if you’re under confident or over the hill. start now. comment on this piece. share it with your unique insights. it’s never too late to create and never too ugly to share.
express your experience of consuming and let the world know. thus the very act of sharing your thoughts becomes an act of creation in itself. can’t wait to hear what you have to say. until then i’ll be digging down in the darkness. when you peep into the abyss and see a spark, wave out 👋🏽
when i come back to the surface maybe i’ll have diamonds, maybe rubies. maybe gold, maybe sapphires. stay subscribed if you want to be surprised. but they’ll always be raw and rough. play with them as you will. shape them to your hearts fill. and pass them on in your dying will.